"Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other."
- Oscar Ameringer

"To retain respect for sausages and laws, one must not watch them in the making."
- Otto von Bismarck

"Feeding the starving poor only increases their number."
- Ben Bova

"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."- Chinese Proverb

"Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit." [None dances sober, unless he is completely insane.]
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization."
- Georges Clemenceau

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
- Arthur Conan Doyle

"The true test of civilization is, not the census, nor the size of cities, nor the crops but the kind of man that the country turns out."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it."
- W.C. Fields

"What luck for the rulers that men do not think."
- Adolf Hitler

"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic."
- Josef Stalin

"Only the winners decide what were war crimes."
- Gary Wills

"It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees!"
- Emiliano Zapata

"You have to recall that "radical" is just one of several terms of abuse which have no meaning, like "marxist." There's a whole array of terms of abuse which are used to protect ourselves from understanding of the world in which we live"- Noam Chomsky, Chronicles of Dissent

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."- Jack Handy

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." - Jack Handy

"Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like." - Jack Handy

"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them." - Jack Handy

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." - Jack Handy

"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates."

"I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!"

"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking."

"A productive drunk is the bane of moralists."

"Sex is like a game of bridge: you need either a good partner or a good hand."

"Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers."

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." - Jack Handy

"Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes."

"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat."

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."

"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence."

"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else."

"I drink to make other people interesting."

"If you can not answer a man's argument, all it not lost, you can still call him vile names."

- Elbert Hubbard

"Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question."

"I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"I like a man who grins when he fights."

"Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you."

"Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her."

"The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just."

"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."

"Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them."

"Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol."

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal."

"A life that is clean, a heart that is true, And doing your best, that's success."

"If a chick ever complains about being "fat" just tell her you know an exercise that burns 500 calories an hour.. unless she really is fat, then just shut up."

"The complaints of the privileged are too often confused with the voice of the masses."

- John Kenneth Galbraith

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women... It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become Lesbians."

- Pat Robertson, Televangelist

"O' god, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause transform ourselves into beasts!"

"I sometimes think that the price of liberty is not so much eternal vigilance as eternal dirt."

- Aldous Huxley

"Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one."

"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."

"There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result."

"It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head."

"People are divided into two groups - the righteous and the unrighteous - and the righteous do the dividing."

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."

"If you believe everything you read, better not read."

"Only when the last tree has been felled, the last river poisoned and the last fish caught, man will know, that he cannot eat money."

"Your god is dead and only the ignorant weep. And if you claim there is a hell, then we shall meet there!"

"Even Satan can build a cross. "

"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur."

"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part."

"With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress."

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"Lincoln's Gettysburg address has 226 words, The Ten commandments has 296 words. The US dept. of agriculture's order setting the price of cabbage has 15,269 words."

"We live in cheap an twisted times.

Our leaders are low-rent Fascists and our laws are a tangle of mockeries.

Recent polls indicate that the only people who feel optimistic about the

future are first-year law students who expect to get rich by haggling

over the ruins... and they are probably right."

"The danger of the past was that men became slaves. The danger of the future is that me may become robots."

"A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you."

"Maybe this world is another planet’s hell."

"Morality is a disease which progresses in three stages: virtue - boredom - syphilis."

"Cleave to no faith when faith brings blood."

"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both."

"Christianity: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be having fun."

"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh."

"Women are like the stars: brilliantly visible, but highly unreachable."

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic."

"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bigger fish to cook for and satisfy sexually."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"

"Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers."

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you 're drunk."

"To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer to every question."

"Never tell people 'how' to do things. Tell them 'what' to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity."

"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

"What can you say about a society that says god is dead and Elvis is alive?"

"Generalizations are the first step towards understanding."